You can be a pushover and won´t realise you´re are making yourself unhappy just because you want to be nice by saying “YES” to everything and everybody. It´s indisputably awesome to know you´ve positively impacted and support others when they needed your help but also is good to know when to say “NO” when you can´t help.
It’s really high time to wake up from those dummy slumber and start taking yourself as top priority too before other people’s demand. Only you can please and make yourself happy.
Social Psychology questions the existence of humankind towards conformity and the influence people in our environment can have on us. Being a people pleaser most times is developed from childhood and it´s an idiosyncratic human behaviour that generates from parent pleasing which leads to being a foot match in adulthood. This is a common ideological term that runs in most family where you must look after family interests by being your brother’s keeper; Oh, yes is right to look after those interest, as a child you have no option but to do what you´re asked to and as one turns older then contradictions begins to surface with complying with those rules while some people continue in the phase of childhood even as an adult they remain compliance.
“Family members deserved our love and emotional support, but not every last ounce of our time and energy”.
Do you want to learn how to say “NO” politely without feeling guilty?
It may sound egoistic to put yourself first which shouldn´t be so always but another thing is to recognise when you’re been pushed over and how to put a stop to it by saying “NO” we should put limits to anything that steals our happiness. Saying yes just to please others and displease ourselves isn’t the right way to politeness, Social Psychologist discovered that people suffering from this illness actually say yes because they’re scared of what people will think or say about them “Selfish, egoist, centred and inconsiderate” and that mind set needs to “STOP”. We don´t need other people’s approval to feel good about ourselves.
“People pleasers are not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Those who suffer from the Disease to Please are people who say “Yes” when they really want to say “No.” For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is an addiction”.
As you’re reading this article and you know you fall into the category of people pleaser here are 11 steps that will help boost your moral to saying “No” politely.
1. Sum up the courage to say, “No or Yes”: Don’t be afraid to say you can´t because you have the right to choose if you want to grant the request or not, also you don’t have to give excuses to cover up for saying no. At least you should be bold enough to give a reason why you can´t whether they buy the story or not just say your mind. If you´re the kind of person that always says yes then you need to start reducing it by saying no sometimes because the day you eventually refuse a request that person will find it offensive, forgetting you’ve always been there..
“Refusing someone is rarely easy and is often downright uncomfortable. But constantly giving in creates anxiety, anger, added stress, regret, and feelings of powerlessness”.
The bitter truth here is that nobody likes to be told no, and I think we all should start learning how to be more flexible so this world would be more accommodating for everyone.
2. Sincerity: Learn to say what you can do and not what you cannot accomplish, if not you´ll be taken for an unserious person and a liar. Don’t make promises and later come up with flimsy excuses, is better to be sincere and direct than sell yourself cheap.
3. Lend helps at your comfort: There should be atom of truth and realness to yourself when offering a help do things with a willing heart and not by pretence. Don´t say yes because you want to be appreciated, if it takes you thinking over it go head and tell the requester you want to have a sleep over it and don´t just jump into affirmations and finding out later that it isn´t conducive or comfortable for you.
4. Schedule a time limit: If you agree to render a help to someone remember to inform them from what time you’ll be available. Is better to avoid random timing because it might disorganize your own plans.
5. Top prime: This is a very important point in this topic; you should realize you have a choice and that should be what suits you. So, you can either say no or yes and that should be your choice to make and not others to decide for you. Don’t be influenced, force or allow others to take decisions for you or on your behalf.
“It is not always easy to say No, particularly to people on whom we depend. In case of doubt, it helps to remind yourself, after doing the work of preparation, that you have a compelling interest to say No, the power to say no, and right to say No”.
6. Scale the request: When someone as you for a favour mentally observe and check the request. Some people intentionally like to take advantage of others , Especially People You depend on or owe they will intentionally ask you for favours in exchange of what you owe them and in such cases you have no option but to comply and that is a emotional blackmail.
7. Emotional torture: Truly there is not need to be sorry or sad because you just said no; come on you just sincerely said the truth and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you telling the truth. Maybe you should save the “Sorry” for better situations like when you bump into someone accidentally then you owe them an apology or when you mistakenly jump the queue knowing is not yet your turn there you owe an apology to the people waiting before you. Remember respect is reciprocal and don’t do what you don’t want others to do to you.
8. Self Worth: You need to start valuing yourself for people to respect you. If you throw yourself cheaply people will gladly take advantage, impression matters a lot. If you give them the impression that you’re an errant toy then they’ll treat you like one.
9. Have your own say: Know what you want and stand on it, don’t let others decisions overshadow yours. For example you and a friend arrange to hangout for a pizza and all of a sudden your friend starts craving for seafood and you’re allergic to seafood or don’t like seafood, you need to dialogue and remind your friend of the first plan and to back up your statement use empathic assertion (putting one in anothers shoes) to make them understand how it feels. Let him/her know you have a say too then come to a compromise that suits both.
10. Self Assessment: You need to know yourself better than anyone and for that reason you need to check yourself well, not because you don’t want to be pushed over then you become rigid, wicked or arrogant. Remember we all need to scratch our neighbours back for them to help us scratch ours too, be flexible, polite and always remember to weigh the request before you reply.
11. Self confidence: If you don’t know how to say no start little by little, practice in from of a mirror and look yourself into the eyes and say good and positive words to yourself, learn to believe those words. I believe whatever we continuously speak of ourselves will come to us because the Universe listens to it. I remember my mum once told me when I was a baby i was always sick for no reason and she was scared that she was going to lose me because i refused to eat or drink anything and back then one of my aunties that always sympathized with her used to call me beautiful names because I was so small and ugly 😂. She used to call me Miss Universe and she still calls me that up till date, to cut the story short, I gradually got well ,grew stronger, bold and beautiful 😂.
On a serious note! Let to create and dedicate more time for yourself and you will start seeing changes and improvement.
Thank you all for making it to the end of this article. I really appreciate every time spent visiting this site and I hope you have learnt something from it.
Feel free to comment and share your experience so it can get to more people who really need help to overcome their fears. Peace and Love to you all.